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I had a bad day/night. I need to lose my friends. I also need to stop acting on impulse and stop being so selfish. I wonder if you can change yourself from being selfish???

Anyway, earlier today (or yesterday, however you wanna take it) I bumped into Dillon at the mall. I used to babysit him. Well not really babysit him. I used to walk him to my house after school, feed him and let him play video games for two hours until his mom came home from work. I stopped babysitting him when I was 14. 

Holy is he hot now. Like really, really hot. I believe he's 15 now but that doesn't make him less hotter. Just off limits. I didn't even recognize him. He's like 6 ft tall now or something. He was with his gf. After Dillon and I hugged she gave me the dirtiest look I've ever received and just because of that, I asked for his number and told him that we should hang out sometime. She instantly jumped in with a "aren't you too old for him?". All I did was smile at her even though I wanted to jump in with a "aren't you too ugly for him?" but I didn't. 

I completely regret asking him for his number. What was the point? Just to get her mad? When I asked him, I had absolutely no intentions of ever calling him and had hoped he wouldn't call me (He did. To invite me over to his house for the super bowl. How cute is that?). I had to call him anyway. My mom wanted his house number so she could talk to his mom. They're coming over for dinner on Saturday which sucks because Dillon's mom seems to think that I don't have a life and is always asking me for favours. 


So I decided to go out tonight because I didn't want to be home alone and couldn't find anyone that wanted to stay in (figures). I should've stayed in since I didn't have fun at all. Everyone thinks Kyle and I are back together just because we were seen at McDonald's together. I was bombarded with questions about me and Kyle's "reunition" as soon as I entered the house which was absolutely retarded. The best part was being called a "hoebag" (I seriously almost laughed when she said that. Who says that?) by a girl who has feelings for him. Shortly after, a close guy friend decided to pour beer all over her. 

See how cool my friends are? Note the sarcasm. 

I'm going to slowly distance myself from them. They're just not fun anymore. It's all exhausting now. 


I just found out a girl I hate won the model search for Deal or No Deal Canada. I can't even remember why I hate her. 

Ugh. I'm starting to really get annoyed with myself. I'm just like my friends.


So the Superbowl is tomorrow. I've got plans with Kyle but I'll probably ditch him. This will be the first Superbowl in 4 years that I haven't spent with him and I couldn't care less. I don't get football anyway. They play for like 10 seconds and talk for a half an hour then play for two seconds and talk for another half an hour. For the two hours it's on, an hour and a half of it is playbacks. Lol, it's frustrating.

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Current Location: My kitchen

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I'm staying in tonight. Well not completely staying in but I'm staying sober.
If I'm in a good mood later on, I'll take my brother to see The Messengers. If he annoys me, I'll probably drag Rachel or Brandi to see Factory Girl. 

Sienna Miller's claim to fame is being cheated on by Jude Law. That's embarassing. I'd hate to be her


I went downtown earlier today to get my shop on and the train ride back had to have been the funniest ride ever. The girl sitting across from me was a chubby girl with dark hair who was probably in and around the same age as me. The lady who was sitting next to me was a very pretty black lady and the man in front of her was the typical business suit, dark gelled hair etc. Anyway, just before I started to play my mp3 player, the girl in front of me said "Everyone in here looks like a celebrity." I noticed that the other two weren't going to reply so I did to be polite:

Me: Oh you think so?
Chubby girl: Yup. You look like Britney Spears 
Me: (holding in laughter) Oh really? Thanks, I guess. 
Chubby girl: (points to the lady next to me) You look like Halle Berry 
Lady: (laughing) Oh, I don't think so but thank you. 
(Then she turns to the man next to her) 
Chubby girl: What famous guy do you look like? 
Man: (in British accent) I've never been compared to anyone, really. 
Chubby girl: I think you look like Hugh Grant 
(here's the good part) 
Me: Who do you look like? 
Chubby Girl: Xena Warrior Princess 

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I just had to laugh. She said the man looked like Hugh Grant just because he's English and told the girl she looked like Halle Berry just because she's black. I certainly do NOT look like Britney Spears and Xena Warrior Princess? Lol, it was the way she talks too. She had some sort of accent. It wasn't foreign. Just different. 


It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to. - Marylin Ferguson 

I'm in that inbetween place and it's scary as fuck.

Current Music: Mutemath - Typical

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So I'm feeling really down tonight. I'd like to think it's because today's the first full day I haven't had a cigarette but I know it isn't. 

I haven't cried since I was in the sixth grade. 

And that makes me sad which is completely fucked up. I'm finally breaking. One could only have so many empty relationships (including friendships) for so long. There was a time when I loved that my group of friends are so shallow. That was back when it was easier to supress my problems. Now the emptiness is tearing me apart.

When Miranda broke up with Kevin last month, she didn't cry to any of us. You couldn't even tell she was upset over the break up. The worst part is, none of us offered her a shoulder to lean on

I remember exactly what happened and how she told us about the break up: 

Katie: I saw Kevin at the plaza today. I like his lip piercing. It actually suits him. 
Miranda: We broke up yesterday. 
Me: Like for good? 
Miranda: I think so, yeah. 
(silence for like a minute) 
Brandi: What happened? 
Miranda: Nothing really. We just got too busy with school and stuff. 
Brandi: Can we put in that stupid Heroes tape in. I wanna see if that show is actually good. 
Katie: Yeah I heard it's good too. 

It was barely talked about afterwards. I asked her if she was okay and she gave the regular "I'm fine". Everyone assumed the break-up was amicable. If I regret anything, it's not being there for her. They were together for a lo-o-o-ong time and were really happy (well it seemed that way anyway). 

I want out of all of this. I want out of all the partying (I need to focus this semester anyway), out of all the gossiping, out of the hating-her-because-she-hates-you bullshit. I want to really know someone. I want to be told a secret and tell mine. I want to be relied on. I want to trust someone.

All I want is some intimacy damnit. 

I'm going to call Rachel and pray that she answers because she's the closest friend I have right now. 

Life after high school is hilarious. I would've killed anyone to be apart of the crowd that I am, and now I can't stand it. Sad, huh? 

I haven't cried for 6 years. I guess that makes me some sort of robot.
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So I haven't posted here in a while. I almost forgot about this. I don't know why I would forget since I love it. 
Anyway, onto the good stuff. 

The past three weeks have been absolutely crrraaazzzyyyyy for me. The first weekend was Carleigh's house warming party. I got hammered by accident (you never fully realize how drunk you are when sitting) and decided to roam the building at 4 in the morning. I ended up getting lost and barged into an apartment that wasn't Carleigh's. The couple who owned the apartment woke up and I guess escorted me back to Carleigh's. I don't really remember what was said but Carleigh says I was gone for an hour and she had assumed I went home. The next morning the couple came to see if I was okay (or to remind me of what I did). 

I was so embarassed

On the Thursday of the next week I agreed to go downtown with Rachel (the old best friend who's now a lesbian and thinks I'll grow up to be one). I thought it was a bad idea as soon as I got into her car and saw six other chicks. All I kept thinking was 'Oh great. I'm going out with a bunch of girls that I don't even know'. 
Ten minutes into the car ride I started to feel a bit more comfortable as they were making me laugh and playing fun music. About 20 minutes into the car ride, I realized that they are all lesbians. That didn't matter too much since they were fun anyway. Then it suddenly hit me: we were probably going to a gay bar (which is why we went downtown). 

For some reason, I freaked out as if we were going to a slaughter house or something. I didn't want to offend anyone so I didn't really ask if were going to a gay bar or not. When we got into the bar, Rachel apologized for not telling me where we were going. I brushed it off like it was nothing but I'm sure she didn't tell me on purpose

I actually had a lot of fun that night. The other girls barely talked to me (which is completely okay) but I forgot how funny Rachel is. I would call her more if society didn't suck. I know, that makes me a hypocrite. 

Last weekend, Kyle (who was my last real boyfriend) had a keggar. I went out with him from when I was 14 'til I was 17. It was a complete waste of time. It was just so empty. We didn't talk about anything at all. He could've cheated on me and I don't think I would've cared. I didn't see him at his keggar (waaay too many people) which I was thankful for. Despite our sad excuse for a relationship our break-up was like a war in our school halls that lasted months. I've hated him ever since. But for some retarded reason he called me on Monday. It ended up being a long conversation and he swears he's changed.  

I hung out with him yesterday. He has changed but I would never go back out with him.


Justin Timberlake's concert was on Tuesday!! My voice is slowly coming back. It was a lot of fun. A little loud but fun. I held eye contact with him for like 0.05 of a second. I could've died right then and there. 

Totally not worth two hundred dollars. I probably wouldn't be saying that if I hadn't gone though. Pink and Timbaland were fun, I guess. Actually Pink is cool. It's just that stupid, annoying "God is a DJ" song that makes me want to strangle her.


Lost has been gone so long. I forget the plot. Heroes is starting to get really, really disappointing and Ugly Betty just isn't funny anymore.
Tv is sad now. 30 Rock is good but it'll probably follow Arrested Development and get cancelled since I'm the only person on Earth who watches it. American Idol is being talked about everywhere and I don't know why. The show is tired. Put it to sleep. 

Having said that, I'll probably watch all of those shows every week until the season finale. My VCR recorder is a lifesaver. Yeah, I'm that sad. 

Guess who's got a new celebrity crush? Well I've got two. Trey Songz. He's SO not  my type but he's goorrggeeouus. And the next one might be a little disturbing: Daniel Radcliffe. Weird, I know. But there are these new pictures floating around and they're actually impressive. Why do I feel gross saying that? 

Who are your celeb crushes?

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Current Music: 1st Time - Yung Joc ft Marques Houston and Trey Songz

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So, Mr. George Bush seemed sincere in his speech last night. Even if he does truly think that this new plan is going to help restore Iraq, why doesn't he have a timeline? He doesn't have any real goals at allllllllllllllll. He's just bringing 20 thousand more troops (which isn't nearly enough) to Iraq and hoping that they'll all put Iraq back together. 

Meh, something tells me he's just buying time until his time is over. He knows 20 thousand troops isn't going to do anything. It's just going to bring more casualties. 


When is good TV coming back? These game shows are killing me. I need Heroes, Lost and Ugly Betty back in my life


So, good ol' Beckham is trying to bring American soccer to life eh? He just signed a $250 million deal with LA Galaxy. I'm a soccer fan and I'm curious to see Beckham play in the MLS. Will anyone watch? Probably. I wonder if any more European soccer players will follow suit and sign on in the US. 

I'll be watching all of his games. Becks is gorg.


So my date went well last night. Sort of. We didn't end up watching the movie because he wanted to watch Anderson Cooper instead which I had no problem with. Then after that was done we drove around for an hour for no reason at all. We were having fun listening to his iPod and belching along until all of a sudden he decided to talk about our "feelings and where we stand". I sort of freaked out, avoided the question and kindly asked him to drive me home. He asked if I was mad about him asking the question and I lied saying "No, I just didn't realize how late it was. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

I've been playing with his head since the summer. Only calling him when I'm extremely bored or have no other man in my life and I have fooled around with him a few times. I don't know why but I just don't want to take things seriously with him. I don't know why. He's good looking, funny and nice. I guess I always want what I can't have.

My socio boy however (his name isn't Sean it's Dominick) is a total different story. I would marry him if he asked. I, kid. 
Knowing my luck, he's probably already engaged or has a girlfriend of ten years or something.

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Current Location: My cold ass basement
Current Music: Liar - Taking Back Sunday

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My brother is 9 years old (I know huge age difference, I'm 18, he's 9. He was probably an accident.) and he already knows what condoms are and why they're used. Whaaaaat?

When I was 9 years old I didn't know what sex was. I remember being at my then best friend's house (the one who thinks I'll grow up to be a lesbian) and we were talking to her mom about marriage. Here's how the convo went down:

Bf's mom: There are some people who get married and have lots of children. There are some people who get married and have one child and then there are some people who get married and have no children.
Me: What?!? Some people have no children? How?!?
Bf's mom: They just chose not to have any kids
Bf: But how?? They just write a letter to the storks?
Bf's mom: Something like that.

And now my brother knows exactly what condoms are and why they're used. What happened to innocence? I love the fact that I found out about sex in grade 6.

I hope my children don't find out about sex until they're 16.


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Jessica Stam is clearly the hottest girl Vogue has ever seen. I'm totally jealous of her. All she has to do is look into a camera and she's made. She looks good in anything. Even red hair. I've tried and it's horrible. Only blonde and light brown work on me. She's my idol and Canadian :). 


Is there such thing as a supermodel anymore?

Current Music: Disappearing Act - Self Against City

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So Bush is giving a speech tonight at 9. He hasn't given a speech in a little while so I want to hear what other dumb things slip out of his mouth. I hope he talks about what a huge mistake Hussein's execution was. Or atleast how it was handled. It was a freakin PR disaster and I hope he admits his mistake. Yeah right. He'll back out and say they had nothing to do with it. I hope he talks about the new war in Somalia as well. Didn't they lose in '94 while completely ruining the country? Isn't it like the poorest country in the world? So why have a war when you have nothing to gain from it? 

I mean, if they're in Iraq for oil, I'd get it. It's completely selfish but I'd get it. He's doing it to better his country (while killing thousands of his own soldiers and Iraqi's). But Somalia? What do they have to offer? Something, I'm sure. We'll never know what that something is. 

But from what I've heard Bush is only going to address why America is failing in Iraq.


I came across a cute song yesterday. High School Never Ends by Bowling For Soup. They're good at delivering cute lyrics with annoying as fuck melody's. If I didn't like the lyrics, I would never ever give this song another listen. But here are some of the lyrics: 

The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who‘s the best dressed and who‘s having sex,
Who‘s got the money, who gets the honeys,
Who‘s kinda cute and who‘s just a mess
And you still don’t have the right look
And you don’t have the right friends
Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends
High school never ends

Check out the popular kids
You’ll never guess what Jessica did
How did Mary Kate lose all that weight
And Katie had a baby so I guess Tom’s straight
And the only thing that matters
Is climbing up that social ladder
Still care about your hair and the car you drive
Doesn’t matter if you’re sixteen or thirty-five

The whole song is really cute/funny and true but I don't really feel like typing out all the lyrics. I'm still friends with everyone from high school since all the parties have the same people since grade 9 (I wonder why I never get bored of them). I've actually gotten closer with a lot of the guys that I never really cared for in high school (Wes who was my crush over the break. He can't dress but has the nicest eyes in the world. So blue). Which means, unless I get new friends, high school drama will always surround me. Some of the fights are so elementary it's not even funny. I sometimes wish I only had 3 guy friends and 2 girlfriends. My personality suits a smaller group of friends anyway. 


So I hope the iPhone fails. Everyone has an iPod and a cell phone. So what would be the point in buying an iPhone? If it succeeds, you American's are Apple's little zombies. 

My daily dose of celeb gossip:

So Britney Spears has a new boy toy. Isaac Cohen and he's fucken sexy as hell. I don't think she has ever dated an ugly fellow ever. I'm jealous of her love life 

Evan Rachel Wood is hollywood's new homewrecker. Apparently she influenced the break-up between Marilyn Manson and Dito Von Teese and is now dating Marilyn Manson. How gross is that? He's like 38 and she's 19. Plus she's all elegant looking and he's all scary looking. Just gross.


So I talked to my Socio hot guy today in the library. He's thinking of dropping out and I'm going to try and convince him that that isn't a good idea. I totally forget his name. I think it was Sean. But w/e. He's got the cutest smile in the world :). 


Self Against City cd is AWESOME 


My date's in an hour-ish. He's coming to pick me up after he's done at work which is at 8. I really, really don't want to miss that Bush speech. Hopefully he's into politics as well? I think everyone is nowadays. He's so excited though. He sent me like 9807578658765320987562 texts today asking if we were still on for tonight and what I wanted to do. He asked to bring a joint and I said no. I'm proud of myself. Now I should just quit smoking. There's no point to it anymore. After this pack is done, I'm not buying anymore. It shouldn't be too hard. I need a cigarette now. 


I think love is a choice. I'm very good at controlling my feelings. Love is when you completely let go to someone and give them your all, correct? Then how can you let go unintentionally? 

Dan: I fell in love
Alice: Oh as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

Wow, can you tell I tried to make the time pass? This is like a mile long entry. I never know when to stop writing. I literally write everything that comes to mind. I guess I'll just stop here. I doubt anyone read this whole thing anyway. But it was fun to write.

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Current Music: Carpal Tunnel of Love - Fall Out Boy

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So Bush is getting ready to announce the troop increase that could be as little as 10, 000. It'll most likely be 20, 000. The best friend's brother is going (he went to university in The States which makes him an American now) and he's being strong about it. What happened to "We should be pulling out in 2007"? They were showing all the signs - to us anyway -  for a while. Now it looks like the war will last until 2067. I hope the Democrats chose to fund the troop increase since the troops will be the one suffering if they don't. 

This whole war is a disaster. Nothing seems to be going right. It didn't go as quickly as they hoped. It's FAR more violent than they expected. The execution of Saddam Hussein went wrong. I almost feel bad for the whole Bush Administration. But then again, they were the idiots that went in without a strategy. It's as if they wanted to catch them by surprise or something. 


So Apple is coming out with the iPhone finally. And you know what sucks? It'll only be out in The States for a while before we get it. It's moments like these where I hate being Canadian then I remind myself 'MuchMusic is better than Mtv' over and over. 
I wonder if you can listen to music and be on the phone at the same time? Wait, what would be the point of that? Lol, forget I asked.

This semester seems cool so far. I'm just a little afraid of Sociology. I hear it's a heavy course. Plus there's the hottest guy in my class. I have to get his attention somehow. Hopefully he gets everything and I'll pretend that I don't and ask him for help, Mean Girls style. lol, I kid. That ended badly for her anyway.


So I'm going to theAudition and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus concert on Feb 18. I've been waiting to see theAudition since last year and The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus seem cool. Hopefully we can win over the body guards/security guards again and get to party with them? One of the guitarists in theAudition is kinda hot. 


I've got a movie date with the back-up boy tomorrow night. He's as big as a movie nerd as I am so I can bring the most smallest budget movie and chances are, he'd like it. It's little things like that that make me wonder why I don't just take things seriously with him. I love guys that are into movies as much as I am. I may just bring Quinceanera tomorrow. I hear its a sweet movie. Sweet as in 'aww'. I would never use sweet as in 'good' or 'cool'. That's like a pet peeve of mine. Just to put that out there. 


So I just realized that I'm a huge bubblegum pop fan. When I first got into music Backstreet Boys, New Kids, Nsync etc were my loves. When I first got into movies, Mary-Kate and Ashley, Lindsay Lohan (I must've seen Parent Trap atleast 22 times) and Elisha Cuthburt (well she was in Popular Mechanics for Kids which I get all of my random facts from, by the way) were my loves. So I'm still loyal to them. I'll watch the next Mary-Kate and Ashley film, buy the new Lindsay Lohan movie (even though Just My Luck was torture) and go to the next Backstreet Boy concert (even though they're going to be minus Kevin who I never really noticed anyway). I'm going to Christina Aguilera's concert on the 23rd of April even though I don't really like her new cd. They all remind me of being a kid. When I didn't really worry about anything. So listening to them makes me smile. Even if the lyrics are the gayest things ever like JT's What Goes Around..."When you cheated girl, my heart bleeded girl.". But who cares? It's a good song and his face makes up for it.

I can't stand any of the newer bubblegum pop though. The Cheetah Girls? High School Musical? Jesse McCartney? I would rather sleep in a coffin full of worms than listen to 5 mins of that crap.

Current Music: Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne

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So, 30 Seconds to Mars could be over?  No! How depressing is that? 
That means no more memories will be created at the Kool Haus where we try to sneak vodka in. 
Or no more Jared Leto hating us and telling us we look like 14 year olds all because our friend had sex with Padge.

Just one more cd 30 Seconds to Mars. 
One more concert at the Kool Haus. 
That is all I ask of you. 

Hopefully you guys have the same security guard and hopefully he'll let us backstage again just so we can party just one more time.


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